Keeping up the raw spirit

I am filled with hope as I reach out to the things that matter the most for me. Ever since I was a child I have felt a bit of an outcast, in terms of how I see and experience the world around me. I have a very strong moral compass, which guides me through every day. There are times I have been wrong- But part of me knows, that my defiant and rebellious spirit is what is going to create change in this world. Over the years, too many people have tried to stand in the way. The world around us is constantly telling us what to do, how to act, what to think, what is acceptable etc. But the older I get, the more I realize it is less about what other people say, and more about what is important to me. It’s a hard space to dwell in, but I think that many of us could benefit from this mentality. Mistakes are meant to be made, but these mistakes do not define a person’s worth.

The more we open ourselves to growth, the more vulnerable we are to make mistakes, and the more willing we are to learn from them is vital. It means that we will exist in a steady stream of growth, both internally and externally. To open your mind to this growth is not easy. It means that you will be caught in the crossfires of others from time to time. But every voice, revolutionary and seeker of change has had to stand in the fire. Even just small changes within ourselves take great courage. And that courage is absolutely worth the wisdom we gain. This is how I chose to live my life, and I wish the same for all. It’s not easy, but I think most things that are worth it- Aren’t so easy most of the time. The struggle continues, but with a smile and a whole lot of heart

And I guess my sights are bigger than what most people see as “realistic” some of the time, and perhaps they are- But I have to remind myself- that every great thing in this world started with an idea. A thought, and then a plan. No matter how outlandish the idea, it became a reality on so many occassions throughout the history of peoplekind. The impossible became the possible, and then it just was. The only limitations we truly have, are the ones we allow ourselves- or allow others to put in our path. It is a struggle indeed, to push past these barriers set by ourselves and society. But that first step might very well just be awareness, awareness and to build an inner strength that dosen’t let us take no for an answer. Fuck it. You only live once. Do it up.

Blog For Mental Health 2014

Red Silouhette

Some photos

Just a few photos/digital art that I’ve had the chance to resize. Many more to come.

A picture and words

On my hike the other evening, I stumbled upon this beautiful sight. Enjoy

Censorship in support groups?

Recently I joined an online support group for “emotionally sensitive people”. It was really a great experience for me until tonight. I was sharing a past example of a very painful story regarding an overdose i survived. Before i mentioned the word “overdose” i prefaced it with a “trigger warning” so that people might prepare themselves. I believe this to be very thoughtful of me.

But the admin of the group, who is a well known advocate for bpd sufferers and dbt therapy, had censored me. She suggested that it is “better not” to mention something such as that. She claimed that people are sensitive to even just reading the word “overdose” itself.

I completely get that. There are certain words i won’t even use anymore for that reason. But it crawls under my skin to have someone censor me, even after i made an effort to be gentle about the subject. I didnt get into details either, just casually explained the rest of the subject matter.

I knew i wouldn’t fit into this group for too long. Sure, i could have stayed and explained my side while respecting hers. But i chose to leave because i could sense this may happen again in the future.

But was it her censorship alone, or also something deeper causing my frustration?

What bothers me is this idea of extreme emotional sensitivity and having to walk on eggshells for what might trigger someone.

I consider myself to be very emotionally sensitive. I do. And for a long time, it governed my whole life. But there is a difference between dealing with it on my own, versus projecting it onto other people as if it were their burden instead.

There is also a line between defending ones self against abusive language or negativity, versus not being able to accept that someone may communicate differently from you.

Emotional sensitivity should not be used in such a way to govern how someone else talks/walks or thinks around the emotionally sensitive person. I had to learn this the hard way. And i truly believe in it.

In fact, from my perspective i think it can actually be harmful if people continued to walk on eggshells for someone who is more emotionally sensitive. Harmful for both sides. But in terms of the ES person, it might allow for an even deeper connection to that sensitivity. Which can be destructive if entertained.

The world is very cruel at times, many people don’t even consider the ES idea as valid. Most of the time the ES person will be accused of being “whiney” or “spoilt” or “thin skinned” or weak alltogether.

That dosen’t excuse or justify these invalidations- but the truth is that we are all going to be exposed to our individual triggers at some point, probably many times throughout our lives. It is part of life. Society stops for no one in this regard, ES or otherwise.

Furthermore, I have tons of triggers. Someone looks at me in just the right way, I might find it to be a threat. I might feel like punching that person. But I have to be responsible for my own feelings. I have to evaluate wether or not this person is actually a threat, and that there is no reason to project MY sensitivity onto them. It may be hard for me to hide it, but that does not mean someone else is responsible for it either.

And so to censor someone who has already tried to be as gentle as possible about the sceanario just seems more like controlling behavior. People do not generally favor being told what to do- no matter how politely someone may ask.

Anger

. Ive been told i can be pretty intimidating. But ive actually been working on that. I am learning that for me, alot of this was fueled by anger. And that becoming scary angry dosent always help the situation- in fact many times it has made things worse.

Sometimes i think of anger as a response that we cultivate, due to a lack of control over a situation or another persons behaviors. In fact we can see this dynamic play out in the workplace, with the police, or even in our families. I think that frustration and anger can be natural responses- but rage and controlling behaviors are not beneficial for anyone.

I think of anger as a sickness when it lingers and festers inside of us for years after a fight, deception or otherwise. Its okay to keep the memory and lesson learned- but the anger should go. Thats only my opinion of course. Its just a life experience i have lived.

Anger is not always screaming and hitting. It is also very critical by nature. We see anger this way when someone is entirely judgemental or projects their reality onto the rest of the world as if it should be the only reality. People who are angry can be eliteist and think of everyone else as incompetent. Anger uses phrases to make others inferior, assuming that if there is a dissagrement on something- this person is altogether stupid somehow.

Anger makes assumptions, it controls other people, it stigmatizes or oppresses. It is many things, and often with negative outcomes.

5/11/14 Diary entry

The pain from yester-week has lifted. But the voices and images crept in as i tried to rest in a nap.
I snapped to attention in the middle of my rest, sitting up stark in my bed- gripping and tense.

I decided that it was time to move my body.

If we cant sit still with our pain, then we walk with it, we eat with it, we breathe with it and we live with it until it is healed.

That takes bravery, and i could cover it up with misconceptions/justifications and blame. I could drink my pain away or fill it up with other people. I could do all of that but i refuse to! Instead i will accept it and heal the pain. This way, i am not blaming others or believing in false ideas about them or myself.
  This allows me the oppourtunity to actually forgive and let the pain leave me. Instead of it digging a bitter little hole inside of me and nesting there- where it never leaves.

A nature walk :)

I noticed that most times i take my walks, that i am blaring music through my headset every time. My headset is officially broken and so i had no choice but to go without. I began to use my phones speaker but it did not make the cut.

It was then i remembered all the wonder around me. I tucked my phone away and sighed out the fresh air i was breathing in.

I began to notice that there was a complete universe teeming underneath my feet and all around me. As i stopped to take a rest, i looked down and there was so much movement in the grass. Ants and insects everywhere, birds and beetles, bees and more.
An entire ecosystem beneath my feet. A whole different life from the one i am living, thousands of tiny lives.

The spring is particularily heartwarming out here. Iris flowers and many other types of delicate beauties popping up in every unexpected corner. White, yellow, purple orange and even blue.

I was enamored at the sight of meadows covered by wild sweet peas and new growth white sage.

As i continued down the trail i spotted a fox in the near distance, she stared at me- sizing me up and then to retreat to her den. I imagined of all the other animals living in that beautifully carved valley.

During mindful, still moments like these i tend to notice all the details around me in greater clarity of course. All the hues of nature stand out, even when they stand alone. I saw blue off in the distance:

Be still my heart. Blue is one of the lovliest of flower colors and this bunch of flowers was such a beautiful shade. I was so happy at the mere sight of these. I had to stop for a while and contemplate their beauty.

Here is a closer shot:

Down the trail i continued, spotting some orange flowers too. They reminded me a bit of buttercups. Perhaps they were?

As i rounded my way back up the giant hill i came across a peculiar find: pink crocus flowers growing out of tiny cracks in the stiff grassless bluffs.
Personally, i did not know there were pink crocus flowers. Its always pleasing to find something for the first time.

On my way back home there was a triumphant song in the meadow. Atop a raggedly pine was a meadowlark, boasting her peace out over the grasses.

A blue sparrow-like bird soared past me as i parted ways with the lark. The journey home was filled with more lush greenery and fertile earth. The rain has kissed this land with grace. So much to admire.

Blanket statements on mental illnesses

One of the things i truly respect about the psychologist i see each week, is that she does not see people by their diagnosis. She has very clearly stated on more than one occassion, that a diagnosis is just a label to put on paper. It does not define a person.

How true is this? I have been met with unrelenting stigma regarding my bpd diagnosis.

I was watching a youtube video today, by a woman formerly diagnosed with a lifetime of bpd that has turned her life around so to speak.
She began to talk in blanket statements about ALL people with bpd and it really got at me. She was saying that: “no ones love is good enough for the borderline.” I thought that was so damaging to anyone who would research to find answers for their loved ones.

I speak from personal experience as i say, that everything my former partners or people in my life did to love and care for me was very important to me. I appreciated it with all my heart. But i did not always show this. I needed the help and guidance no one but myself, with the help of a therapist, could give to me.

The truth is that we cannot change anyone. Ill say this a thousand more times, people must do it for themselves when they are ready.

To be diagnosed as a borderline put me into yet another box that i had to climb out of. When i research bpd information, some of the most horrible things come up. Stigma after stigma and blanket statements, all powered by shame. Making it appear that bpd diagnosis recipients are evil, selfish and manipulative- emotional vampires even. Using other peoples identity to fortify our own and so on.

And i think its bullshit that my entire life of struggling,  has been painted in such a harrowing light for the whole world to misrepresent.

The way my psychologist treats me, as an individual with her own autonomy- is one of the most influential pieces to my personal recovery. I could not grow with a therapist who treated me as a diagnosis. It is invalidating and stigmatizing. And this alone is a detrimental aspect of western psychology.

Tha’ts not to say that the diagnosis itself is irrelevant, but that everyone has their own unique experiences with it: because we are people first.
To make blanket statements that envelope everyone under the same stigma umbrella is not only damaging, but limiting towards personal and and society growth. Awareness is a step towards healing and change. Blanket statements fuel stigmas, and take away from the fact that we are all our own person. A person before a diagnosis.